How to Get Along with Your Spouse (and Others)

When your spouse does something wrong, how do you react?

Some spouses like to blame. "You really embarrassed me when you told that stupid joke. You make me want to stay at home."

Other spouses prefer to criticize. "You’re so fat it makes me sick."

Getting even is also a favorite response. "Well, because you were flirting with Chris, I decided to flirt with Pat."

By blaming, criticizing or getting even with your spouse, you are trying to be AT CAUSE by putting your spouse AT EFFECT. Unfortunately, putting your spouse AT EFFECT is harmful to your relationship. You start arguments and fights. Just because your parents reacted badly toward each other is no reason you need to continue the tradition.

Cause and Effect

When it comes to situations and relationships, you are either at a cause point or an effect point. When you paint a wall, you are at cause over the paint and the color of the wall. When you spill paint all over your clothes, you are at the effect of that paint.

There are two types of relationships:

1. CAUSE-EFFECT is the most common type of relationship. As in the examples above, you take command of the relationship and put someone else at the effect of you or the problem.

For example, husband John says, "Mary, you ran over the neighbor’s gate. How could you be so stupid?"

John might feel at cause over the gate problem, but Mary will feel effect.

2. In a CAUSE-CAUSE relationship, you assume a cause point yourself AND you allow or encourage others to assume the cause point as well. This idea comes from L. Ron Hubbard who writes:

"If Mary burns the toast, John accepts responsibility for this action. This does not mean that he assumes all the responsibility and leaves none for Mary. It means that he assumes all the responsibility and that Mary assumes all the responsibility, too. They both assume all the responsibility. Under such an arrangement, no one can be blamed. All their attention goes into doing better with the toast, and none of it is wasted in blame.

"Mary runs the family automobile into the neighbor’s gate. The neighbor rushes over in a huff and encounters John in the front yard. The neighbor says, `You just ruined my gate!’ John goes with the neighbor to look at the gate and at the car. Sure enough, there is blue paint on the gate and white paint on the car. The evidence is conclusive. John agrees with the neighbor that the gate has been damaged by John’s car and he asks the neighbor to have it repaired and send him the bill. The neighbor says that the damage is not very great and so he will repair it himself. John lends him the tools and helps him to repair the gate. John insists on buying a can of white paint, and the neighbor says he will enjoy painting the gate on Sunday. He apologizes for being so excited at first. They shake hands.

"John goes into the house, and Mary says, `Dear, I hit the Jones’s gate with the car.’ John says, `Yes, I know. We’ve already repaired it." Mary says, `I’m sorry. I was thinking about the bathroom curtains.’ John says, `That’s all right. What about the bathroom curtains?’ Mary says, I want to dye them blue.’ John says, `That’s a good idea.’

"If nobody is to blame for the damage to the gate, a constructive subject like dyeing the curtains will immediately attract John’s and Mary’s attention, since it represents future action." — L. Ron Hubbard

Cause-cause relations are teamwork at its very best. You and your spouse accept responsibility for all of the actions of each other. You spread an umbrella of responsibility.

Imagine no arguments or upsets with your spouse. Imagine never trading insults or hurtful comments.

Making a cause-cause relationship with your spouse is the road to a happy marriage.

Give it a try!

How to Boost Your Personal Power and Command of Life

You are about to read about one of the most effective self-improvement tools ever discovered. This one technique can do more for your mental strength, job performance and overall competence than dozens of self-help books or motivational seminars.

This simple formula eliminates self-criticism, fear and stress. It is applicable to any situation and works every time. You can use it repeatedly without limitation.

L. Ron Hubbard discovered the KRC Triangle in 1960.

"THE K-R-C TRIANGLE"

"The points are K for KNOWLEDGE, R for RESPONSIBILITY and C for CONTROL."

"It is difficult to be responsible for something or control something unless you have KNOWLEDGE of it."

"It is folly to try to control something or even know something without RESPONSIBILITY."

"It is hard to fully know something or be responsible for something over which you have no CONTROL, otherwise the result can be an overwhelm."

"Little by little one can make anything go right by

"INCREASING KNOWLEDGE . . . ,"

"INCREASING RESPONSIBILITY . . . ,"

"INCREASING CONTROL . . . ."

"If one sorts out any situation one finds oneself in on this basis, he will generally succeed."

"By inching up each corner of the KRC triangle bit by bit, ignoring the losses and making the wins firm, a being at length discovers his power and command of life." — L. Ron Hubbard

KRC Triangle Application Recommendations

Select a problem and write it down or type it into your computer. Then write or type the answers for each of these five steps.

1. Raise the Knowledge corner.

How can you increase your knowledge about the problem? What do you need to learn about it? What should you study to better understand the problem?

2. Raise the Responsibility corner.

How can you take more ownership for the problem? What parts of the problem are you responsible for? Can you accept responsibility for the parts you did not cause?

3. Raise the Control corner.

What part of the problem can you control? How could you take a little more control for the other parts?

4. Ignore the losses.

If you focus on losses or failures, they get bigger and more overwhelming. You then pull in even more losses. So find ways to ignore these losses.

If ignoring losses is difficult, try writing them down on a sheet of paper and then destroy the paper. Shift your attention. Stop talking or thinking about them. Avoid people who bring them up. Move on.

If you catch yourself dwelling on losses, knock it off. Put your attention elsewhere. Stop talking about losses. And learn to ignore the failures of others as well.

5. Make the wins firm.

What can you do to make your successes firm? How can you solidify them?

Maybe you can write them down or put them on a wall. Keep a record of your wins. Talk about them to everyone you can. Celebrate them.

Also, make a habit of finding and focusing on the wins of others. The more attention you put on success, the more success you get.

Some of your answers to these questions are easy, enjoyable steps. Do those right now! You will see a sudden improvement in the problem.

Then do the tougher steps you wrote. Once you start on them you will find they are not so tough after all.

If following these five steps does not completely solve the problem, repeat the steps until the problem is gone forever.

As well as solving problems for you, these steps will start to bring out the best in you. You will discover a new sense of command over life that you have always had, but never used.

Use the KRC Triangle to release the real powerhouse you know that you are.

How to Be More Popular

Many people believe the route to success is to be interesting—to show off or act like someone else. For example, many teenagers can’t understand why they are unpopular. They learned as children that to get attention they should act up a little; to be as interesting as possible. Yet acting interesting does not make a teenager popular. To handle their unpopularity, they might decide to despise people or become loners. Or they try harmful acts to gain respect: smoking, drinking, graffiti, shoplifting, drugs, sex, guns and so on.

Acting interesting can ruin your adult life as well. Show-off employees, self-centered managers and pompous business owners rarely do well for long.

The secret to popularity is not to be interesting, but to be interested.

"When a person becomes terribly interesting he has lots of problems, believe me. That is the chasm which is crossed by all of your celebrities, anybody who is foolish enough to become famous. He crosses over from being interested in life to being interesting. And people who are interesting are really no longer interested in life. It’s very baffling to some young fellow why he can’t make some beautiful girl interested in him. Well, she is not interested, she is interesting." — L. Ron Hubbard

If you are an actor on stage, you are interesting while acting. Seminar speakers are interesting. Comedians, models and magicians are interesting.

Yet in real life, on a one-on-one basis, interesting people are irritating. They only do things to get your attention and admiration. They believe they are on stage acting for an audience of one.

If you want people to cooperate with you, to like you or to open up to you, you must be interested.

Instead of focusing on yourself, you start to focus on others. You notice what makes them happy or unhappy. Your attention comes off of you and onto others.

When your thoughts are more on others than on yourself, you feel little stress. You act and respond with more intelligence. Your production level increases and you have more fun.

When you are interested, people love your interest in them. They want to be around you. You are popular.

Five Ways to Be More Interested

1. Strive to shift your attention from yourself onto other people or objects. This is a great stress reliever.

2. Find things about people that interest you. Force yourself to look for interesting things. Soon you will automatically take interest in people without thinking about it.

3. If you catch yourself acting like someone else, you are being interesting. Simply get interested in the person in front of you and you’ll feel more natural. You are most effective when you are simply being yourself.

4. When someone makes you nervous or shy, get interested in them. Take your attention off of yourself and on to others. With practice, you will be calm, even bold.

5. Focus on how you can help others. Let your interest in helping people replace your tendency to act interesting. Your effectiveness and popularity will soar.

The Benefits of Being Unreasonable

You succeed when you are unreasonable. You neither give nor accept excuses. You insist on success.

L. Ron Hubbard defines reasonableness as "faulty explanations." When you agree with faulty explanations, you are too reasonable.

Examples of faulty explanations:

"I can’t repair your furnace today as it might rain." The truth is, the repairman is going to a basketball game.

"None of the staff will work past 5:00." The truth is, the manager does not want to work past 5:00.

"I can’t pay you as I promised as my wife is sick and can’t fix our meals." The truth is, he is spending the money elsewhere.

"We’ll never get this project done today as we’ve never done it in one day before." The truth is, they’ve never tried to get it done in one day.

Why Agree?

If you agree with faulty explanations, you agree to fail. Excuses, justifications and reasonableness produce nothing.

Yet disagreeing often helps you succeed.

"If you can’t fix the furnace today because of the rain, no problem. I’ll see if I can find someone who repairs furnaces, despite the rain."

"I believe lots of people will work past 5:00. You are the manager and need to handle the schedules. Do you need me to show you how to do it?"

"Well, I’m sorry about your wife, but don’t see how that’s related. You agreed to pay me today, so I’ll have to get the money from you right now as you promised."

"So what if we’ve never done a project like this in one day. We are better at this than ever before and I think we can get it done if we get going right now!"

The sun shines, the birds sing and everything improves when you disagree with faulty explanations. The lies disappear, the truth comes out and the solutions are obvious.

As well as being unreasonable about problems with others, you must be unreasonable with yourself. For example, "I’m tired and want to go home early. Too bad! I need to disagree and WAKE UP! I'll take a brisk walk. Today should be a day I can be proud of."

The most important thing you must be unreasonable about is DOWN STATISTICS.

"The one big god-awful mistake an executive can make in reading and managing by graph is being reasonable about graphs. This is called JUSTIFYING A STATISTIC."

"One sees a graph down and says `Oh well, of course, that's-----------' and at that moment you've had it."

"Never JUSTIFY why a graph continues to be down and never be reasonable about it. A down graph is simply a down graph and somebody is goofing." — L. Ron Hubbard

At some point, we have all given or received excuses for stagnant or shrinking statistics. Because these are faulty explanations, no solutions are possible.

"Reading skills are getting worse in the United States because we have too many television channels."

"Our business failed because nobody would buy our stocks any longer."

"No one buys cars from Pete because he’s too old."

However, when you disagree with explanations and find the truth, the solutions are OBVIOUS. Examples:

"Television has nothing to do with reading skills. What else could it be? Oh! Are children taught to use a dictionary?"

"Your business didn’t fail because nobody would buy your stocks. It failed because you didn’t know what you were doing. Do you know how to make a profit? Did you test-market your product? Do you know how to advertise?"

"People do buy cars from older sales people. Was Pete working every day? Has anyone trained him to sell?"

Exercises

In the examples below, decide which are reasonable explanations and which are the truthful statements.

"I can’t lose weight because (I’m too busy) (I’m lazy and addicted to chocolate)."

"Company profits are soaring because (I’m very charming) (the new computer system doubled our efficiency)."

"I have no money because (I don’t do financial planning) (of the economy)."

"I’m single and lonely because (I don’t get out and meet people) (no one likes me)."

"I can’t find a good assistant because I (have too many jobs) (am not taking the time to find one)."

"I let people boss me around because (I’m kind and caring) (I don’t stand up to them)."

The Honest Way to Get Rich

You can get everything you want in life as long as you give others enough of what they want. If you give nothing of value, you get nothing of value. Your method of exchange determines your wealth.

The type of exchange you use determines your financial success. Nothing else you do has a greater impact on your income. L. Ron Hubbard outlines the four types of exchange.

"1. First consider a group which takes in money but does not deliver anything in exchange. This is called rip-off." — L. Ron Hubbard

Examples of this first condition of exchange:

— You pay a $1,000 deposit for a new car. The dealer goes bankrupt. You get no car and no refund.

— A plumber loosens a pipe, shows you the "leak," tightens the fitting, makes noise, charges you $159.

— Someone in your office avoids doing work. Lots of excuses, lots of smoke screen, no work, full pay.

This first exchange condition is basically theft. The second exchange condition is cheating.

"2. Second is the condition of partial exchange. The group takes in orders or money for goods and then delivers part of it or a corrupted version of what was ordered." — L. Ron Hubbard

Examples:

— County fair booth promises to show you a two-headed cow, but actually shows an odd-looking skeleton.

— The "$99 Dream Vacation Package" turns out to be a smelly motel room by the freeway.

— Instead of working, an employee reads a magazine, surfs the net or makes personal calls while being paid.

"3. The third condition is the exchange known, legally and in business practice, as `fair exchange.' One takes in orders and money and delivers exactly what has been ordered." — L. Ron Hubbard

Most successful companies and individuals use this principle. Examples:

— You pay for a dozen fresh eggs, you get a dozen fresh eggs.

— A $10-per-hour employee works 40 hours of normal work and is paid $400.

— You pay your power bill and get electricity.

"4. The fourth condition of exchange is not common but could be called exchange in abundance. Here one does not give two for one or free service but gives something more valuable than money was received for." "This fourth principle above is almost unknown in business or the arts. Yet it is the key to howling success and expansion." — L. Ron Hubbard

Individuals and businesses who use this fourth method of exchange flourish when others are in trouble.

— You pay an artist for a painting who then frames it for you at no extra charge.

— You invest with a real-estate group expecting a 12% return each year and get 15% instead.

— An employee not only does all of her own work, she trains a new employee, works on her day off when another employee calls in sick and assumes new management responsibilities without demanding more pay.

Employees who give more than expected receive promotions, raises, bonuses and extra benefits. Job security is excellent as they are valuable to the company.

Businesses that exchange in abundance get more referrals than anyone. Investors are anxious to buy its stock. Customer loyalty is guaranteed.

At first, giving more than expected seems unfair. You give extra effort without recognition. You add value to your work or products without anyone noticing.

Yet eventually, you rise to the top. People like working with you above others. Your company is selected above the competition. You earn a reputation of being more than fair.

Instead of trying to get more, work on giving more as your method of operation and see what happens!

Do Fears Block Your Success?

Succeeding is easy if nothing scares you. If nothing makes you hesitant, shy or nervous.

When you do not act, it is probably because of some FEAR. Fear is the inability to face someone or something. When you cannot face an issue, it causes complexity and stress.

For example, if you cannot easily discuss money, you have money problems. Whenever you need to take financial action, you freeze. You end with less money.

If you are an employer and avoid staff problems, production statistics decline. Work becomes serious. Since no one resolves the staff problems, the problems persist while your business suffers.

Avoiding topics with your spouse is the most common reason for marriage problems. Hiding, withholding or suppressing your feelings and thoughts from your spouse is a giant leap toward divorce.

When fears control your life, L. Ron Hubbard points out you are controlled by shadows. If you reach out and take action despite your fears, you will discover how thin and weak the fears really are!

To illustrate this point, Ron wrote, "On Lake Tanganyika* the natives have a very interesting way of catching fish. There on the equator the sun shines straight down through the clear water. The natives take blocks of wood and string them along a long rope. They stretch this rope between two canoes and with these abreast begin to paddle towards the shoal** water. By the time they have reached the shoals, schools of fish are piled and crowded into the rocks and onto the beach. The blocks of wood on the rope make shadows which go all the way down to the bottom of the lake and the fish, seeing the approach of these shadows and the apparent solid bars which they form in the water, swim fearfully away from them and so are caught." (*Lake Tanganyika is located in east-central Africa.)(** Shoal: shallow.)

There are several ways you can blow away the shadows that stop you from succeeding.

One effective method is role playing or drilling. Once you identify the area you have difficulty confronting, you pretend to confront the situation in a role-playing exercise. Drilling allows you to discover which parts of the problem are really problems and which are simply shadows.

For example, you need to ask your boss for a raise. Before talking to him you practice the conversation with your friend. You work out some details, change your approach and work out your best possible presentation. Because you are prepared for the meeting, you are not as nervous.

Another method of reducing fear is to approach the problem with gradient steps. You cut the problem into small bites. You successfully deal with the small parts and thus reach a full resolution.

For example, you need to fill out your tax forms. You’ve done your own taxes before, but this year is more complicated. You earned money in new ways this year and also bought a house. Instead of trying to take on the entire task in one day, you spend one day just working out how to report the new income. You spend another day just figuring out how to deduct the house-buying costs. Pretty soon, you’re down to the routine tax work you’ve done before and finish off the job.

Simply talking about the fear can reduce the effects of fear. After you openly discuss it with someone who listens, the problem often feels less difficult.

For example, you are afraid of flying in an airplane. Your spouse agrees to listen to you and you spill your guts. You describe everything about flying that scares you. After a while, you decide you can fly.

L. Ron Hubbard discovered that talking and listening is a powerful form of therapy when done correctly. He spent years developing an entire technology for one-on-one communication that removes fears for good. See link below.

In many cases, the best approach to dealing with a fear is to close your eyes and jump in. You face the fear without any regard for your feelings and emotions. You might get nervous or even terrified, but once you take the leap, you discover the walls are merely shadows.

Confronting a fear can be tough, but the reward is enormous. Confronting just a small part of a fear is an accomplishment.

Succeeding despite a fear means you have done something you could not do before. And that is real success.

Click here for more information on resolving fear, watch Dianetics: A Visual Guidebook to the Mind.

Goals and Happiness

What makes you happier than anything else you do? Where does real contentment come from?

If you understand and apply the following definition of happiness, you also open the door to unlimited success for yourself, your family and your group.

"Happiness could be defined as the emotion of progress toward desirable goals. There is an instant of contemplation of the last goal in which one is content. But contentment becomes boredom immediately that new goals do not come to view. There is no more unhappy thing than a man who has accomplished all his ends in life." — L. Ron Hubbard

Examine how three facts, from this definition of happiness, make happiness come and go in your life.

1. "There is an instant of contemplation of the last goal in which one is content."

Think of goals you have reached in the past. Remember how you felt on your wedding day or when you graduated from school or a training course? In each case, you achieved a goal!

Remember those times when you were content with life? Maybe when you started a business or landed a great job? When you paid off your debts?

At every point in your life when you felt content or happy, you can probably find you were either making progress toward a goal or had reached a goal

2. "But contentment becomes boredom immediately that new goals do not come to view."

Without a new goal, you get bored. Boredom leads to stress and misery. For example, planning a vacation is exciting. But toward the end of a vacation many people are bored to tears as they no longer have a goal.

Arguments during honeymoons are common if the newlyweds do not set goals for their marriage.

Planning your retirement and the first day of retirement is a thrill. But the joy of freedom quickly turns to boredom and early death if you do not work on new goals.

"There is no more unhappy thing than a man who has accomplished all his ends in life."

Think of a time you were very bored. Had you completed a major goal without starting a new one? Look at other times you were bored. Examine your goals, or lack of goals, at those times.

3. "Happiness could be defined as the emotion of progress toward desirable goals."

We can use this definition to understand unhappiness as well. When were you last unhappy?

In each case, you probably 1) had no goal, 2) were trying to reach an undesirable goal, or 3) you were making no progress toward a goal.

Using the definition of happiness makes happiness easy to achieve. Simply chose desirable goals and make progress toward them!

Exercises

The following steps will help you put this definition of happiness to use.

1. List goals you have not yet reached.

Small goals, large goals, old goals, failed goals and current goals. Make a very complete list.

2. Circle those goals that interest you the most.

Drop out the goals that do not excite you as you can’t reach a goal unless it interests you.

However, if an uninteresting goal is vital for you to reach, find ways to get excited about that goal. Examine the goal’s benefits. For example, maybe the goal to "Pay off all debts" does not thrill you until you examine the benefits: Save $5319 in interest this year, financial freedom, less anxiety.

If you cannot find any benefits of the goal, eliminate it.

3. Add new, desirable goals.

Push the envelope of your self limitations and set goals you really, really want. What are your greatest desires?

If you had unlimited time, money and support, what would your life be like? What would you do? What would you have?

If you knew you could accomplish ANYTHING, what would your goals be?

Add these goals to the list.

4. Line up your goals in a logical sequence.

The better your goals align with each other, the more likely you will reach them. For instance, if you have a goal to travel the world for six months this year and another goal to make more money this year than ever before, you might have problems.

However, if you line up your goals, your odds of success are better because your focus is constant. Example of aligned goals: "Finish my training program so I can double my productivity and income." "Help my husband lower our monthly debts so we can spend more time with the kids." "Delegate all of my sales activities to the sales manager so I can open a new office."

5. To complete the procedure and become happier, you now need to start making progress toward your goals.

Big steps or baby steps, any progress is progress.

Plan out next week. Plan out the month of January. Plan your best year ever.

Make a new habit of reviewing your goals each day to keep your attention and efforts aligned with your goals. At the start of each day, ask yourself: What can I do today to make progress toward my goals?

The more progress you make toward your most desired goals, the happier and more successful your new year will be!

Being Too Serious Can Ruin Your Success

Are you having fun? Do you get a thrill from your work? Do you enjoy waking up each morning?

Myths about work can hurt your progress. "Work is not supposed to be fun." "You must buckle down and get serious."

Perhaps the biggest myth of all: "People will think I’m important if I act seriously." Yet getting serious creates problems: stress, worry, anxiety, emotional pain, drudgery and failure.

Resolving problems by getting more serious is like fixing a computer with a hammer. The harder you try, the worse the problem becomes.

"When life becomes serious, a man becomes less cause and greater effect. If life gets really serious, his value drops to practically zero. Driving a car can become such serious business that one can wreck the car. Running a business can become so serious as to make it fail. There is a direct connection between insanity and seriousness." "It is only when an individual progresses in life to a point where much seriousness is attached to things that he begins to have a hard time. The ancient Italian really knew what he was about when he considered that the only psychotherapy was laughter." — L. Ron Hubbard

12 Ways to Lighten Up

Approaching your life with a non-serious attitude gives you a clearheaded view of difficulties and the energy to deal with them. Problems are easier to solve, people are more cooperative and you feel more relaxed. You probably live longer and more successfully, as well.

Try these ideas until you find one that lightens you up.

1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"

2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"

3. Focusing on the positives. "What is right about this situation?" "What else is right?" "What else?"

4. Consider a complete, major change. For example, go back to school, move to the ocean, start a new career.

5. Ask yourself, "When I’m on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"

6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"

7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.

8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.

9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or a tax collector.

10. Make everyone around you lighten up.

11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?

12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof!

Are You a Professional?

How you look, talk, write, act and work determines whether you are a professional or an amateur. Society does not emphasize the importance of professionalism, so people tend to believe that amateur work is normal. Many businesses accept less-than-good results.

Schools graduate students who cannot read. You can miss 15% of the driving-test answers and still get a driver license. "Just getting by" is an attitude many people accept. But it is the attitude of amateurs.

"Don't ever do anything as though you were an amateur.

"Anything you do, do it as a Professional to Professional standards.

"If you have the idea about anything you do that you just dabble in it, you will wind up with a dabble life. There'll be no satisfaction in it because there will be no real production you can be proud of.

"Develop the frame of mind that whatever you do, you are doing it as a professional and move up to professional standards in it.

"Never let it be said of you that you lived an amateur life.

"Professionals see situations and they handle what they see. They are not amateur dabblers.

"So learn this as a first lesson about life. The only successful beings in any field, including living itself, are those who have a professional viewpoint and make themselves and ARE professionals" — L. Ron Hubbard

A professional learns every aspect of the job. An amateur skips the learning process whenever possible.

A professional carefully discovers what is needed and wanted. An amateur assumes what others need and want.

A professional looks, speaks and dresses like a professional. An amateur is sloppy in appearance and speech.

A professional keeps his or her work area clean and orderly. An amateur has a messy, confused or dirty work area.

A professional is focused and clear-headed. An amateur is confused and distracted.

A professional does not let mistakes slide by. An amateur ignores or hides mistakes.

A professional jumps into difficult assignments. An amateur tries to get out of difficult work.

A professional completes projects as soon as possible. An amateur is surrounded by unfinished work piled on top of unfinished work.

A professional remains level-headed and optimistic. An amateur gets upset and assumes the worst.

A professional handles money and accounts very carefully. An amateur is sloppy with money or accounts.

A professional faces up to other people’s upsets and problems. An amateur avoids others’ problems.

A professional uses higher emotional tones: Enthusiasm, cheerfulness, interest, contentment. An amateur uses lower emotional tones: anger, hostility, resentment, fear, victim.

A professional persists until the objective is achieved. An amateur gives up at the first opportunity.

A professional produces more than expected. An amateur produces just enough to get by.

A professional produces a high-quality product or service. An amateur produces a medium-to-low quality product or service.

A professional earns high pay. An amateur earns low pay and feels it’s unfair.

A professional has a promising future. An amateur has an uncertain future.

The first step to making yourself a professional is to decide you ARE a professional.

Are you a professional?

Fishing Story

The Japanese love fresh fish. However, the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever.

The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer.

However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.

So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive.

Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you recommend?

Too Much Money

As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion. You don’t need to work so hard so you relax.

You experience the same problem as lottery winners who waste their money, wealthy heirs who never grow up and bored homemakers who get addicted to prescription drugs.

Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.

"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging environment." — L. Ron Hubbard

The Benefits of a Challenge

The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a good problem.

If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy.

You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun.

You are alive!

How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.

The fish are challenged.

Recommendations

Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game.

If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help.

If you have met your goals, set some bigger goals. Once you meet your personal or family needs, move onto goals for your group, the society, even mankind.

Don’t create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities to make a difference.

Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

Who Is Stopping You? (Part Four)

Who Is Stopping You? (Part Four)

The greatest barrier to your success is not the economy, your work habits or your opportunities. Your greatest source of stress is not money or the weather or any physical thing.

The biggest source of business problems, career difficulties and personal stress is the antisocial personality. The type of person who is devious, mean-spirited, cruel, hostile or negative. The one who openly or secretly opposes you, cuts you down and causes you trouble.

When you handle or disconnect from an antisocial person, you feel better. You relax. You succeed more than you fail. You have less to fight on your way to your goals.

The antisocial is also known as a suppressive person as he or she prefers to suppress your success, hold down your progress and stop your happiness.

The first four characteristics of an antisocial person are covered in previous TipsForSuccess articles which you can read at www.tipsforsuccess.org/antisocial1.htm, www.tipsforsuccess.org/antisocial2.htm and www.tipsforsuccess.org/antisocial3.htm.

Characteristic #5

“5. Surrounding such a personality we find cowed* or ill associates or friends who, when not driven actually insane, are yet behaving in a crippled manner in life, failing, not succeeding.” -- L. Ron Hubbard (*cowed: intimidated, frightened)

Like most people, you have good intentions and try to improve your life. Your statistics in life go up; life gets better.

But then you talk to an antisocial. He or she makes you feel like you are failing.

“You’re so weak! Act like a grownup. Get a real job. Don’t be such an idiot!”

“Everyone will think you’re a jerk if you buy that Mercedes.”

“If you don’t do what I say, your life will fall apart and you will suffer.”

If you believe statements like these, you feel afraid. You may get sick. Your production statistics and income will not improve.

With willpower, you may fight your way out of the mental turbulence and start to succeed . . . for a while. But then the antisocial will find a way to bring you down.

The stress of such situations is extreme. The stress can make you ill. As long as you are associated with the antisocial, you may never recover from an illness.

When you talk to an antisocial, you may feel all kinds of emotions: rage, grief, apathy and so on.

The opposite is true with a social person.

“The friends and associates of a social personality tend to be well, happy and of good morale.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Have you ever felt wonderful after talking to someone? You are talking to a social personality. He or she wishes you success.

The social person helps you increase your productivity. When you make a large amount of money, he or she is delighted and never jealous. You can trust the social personality.

Some social persons have powerful personalities. They help you solve problems. They lift your spirits. If you are sick, they seem to make your illness disappear, just by talking to you!

Characteristic #6

“6. The antisocial personality habitually selects the wrong target.” “If a tire is flat from driving over nails, he or she curses a companion or a noncausative source of the trouble. If the radio next door is too loud, he or she kicks the cat.” “If A is the obvious cause, the antisocial personality inevitably blames B, or C or D.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Terrorism, war and murder are, of course, wrong targets. No purpose is served by killing people.

Charles Manson persuaded his followers to commit several murders. He testified he was trying to improve the “establishment.” Later, he said a Beatle’s song made him do it.

Politicians, psychiatrists and social workers often select wrong targets. “Our mayor seems to encourage crime.” “He steals because of his chemical imbalance.” “She needs more welfare money because she had a bad childhood.”

You see examples of wrong targets every day: The driver on the road behind you who blames you for making him late for work. The patient who blames the doctor for his cancer. A man who can’t pay his bills and so blames his boss.

Prejudice and biased views are good examples of wrong targets. “We keep our company fresh and hip by never hiring anyone over the age of 45.” “Republicans have ruined the economy.” “Homosexuals are a threat to my marriage.”

Correct Targets

The social personality selects correct targets. “Our customer service is why our customers give us their repeat business.” “I’m fat because I eat lots of junk food and never exercise.” “If you constantly learn new skills and work harder, you’ll make more money.”

Intelligent social people can find correct targets to any problem. Examples: “You are broke because you don’t organize your finances and control your spending.” “The only reason you’re not married is you do not find out what your girlfriends really want.” “Give bonuses to employees who do the most production and your business will thrive.”

When you have the correct target for a problem, the solution is obvious and it solves the problem.

Who is Stopping You? (Part Three)

Who is Stopping You? (Part Three)

Do you know someone who appears kind and polite, but makes your work and life difficult? This person may be an antisocial person. He or she can make you feel like you are riding a roller coaster.

You feel good one day and bad the next. You are productive and efficient one week, but then waste time and get nothing done the next week. Your mood goes up and down, apparently with no explanation.

Abraham Lincoln was known for his mood swings. Sometimes he was energetic, ambitious and cheerful. Other times, he was withdrawn, exhausted and unable to sleep. Winston Churchill was also on a roller coaster: forceful, energized and brilliant one day, depressed and drinking the next. Imagine how much more these men would have accomplished if they had been more stable. They did not recognize nor handle the antisocial people around them.

Businesses are also prone to ups and downs because of antisocial people. One week your productivity and income are doing very well. The next, you have major problems.

Marriages and families can go through the same ride. Happy and loving one month, unfriendly and argumentative the next month. If this happens to you, someone may be secretly messing up your family and marriage.

Luckily, you can handle the negative people in your life. You can take control of your progress. You can have a stable, steadily improving business, career, marriage, family and life.

The first step is to recognize who is causing you trouble and what they are up to.

In two previous articles, we outlined three characteristics of the Antisocial Personality. (See links below.)

Characteristic #4

“4. A characteristic, and one of the sad things about an antisocial personality, is that it does not respond to treatment or reform. . . .” -- L. Ron Hubbard

For example, while most people find a walk to be refreshing, even therapeutic, an antisocial person complains about walks. “I don’t enjoy walks . . . just look at all that polluted air . . . the city needs to do something about those weeds . . . you shouldn’t be outside for so long.”

Improving life circumstances, like moving to a better home or learning a new skill, makes most people happier, but not an antisocial. He or she does not change for the better. No matter how hard you try to help the antisocial person’s performance, work skills or productivity, nothing changes.

You can waste years trying to make an antisocial kind, considerate or supportive, with no change. For example, antisocials will beat their wives or kids until someone threatens them. They pretend they have changed and then start the beatings again.

The antisocial is the constant complainer; the critic who is never happy; the whiner who threatens to leave you. He or she acts kind and thoughtful . . . while stabbing you in the back.

If you open your eyes and face the truth, you eventually realize you cannot help the person, no matter how hard you try.

The opposite characteristic is true of the social personality.

“It is often enough to point out unwanted conduct to a social personality to completely alter it for the better.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

For example, you say, “Ed, you won’t stay married for long if you yell at your wife.” Ed says, “Oh, yea, you’re right. I’m sorry.” Because Ed is a social person, he no longer yells at his wife.

Employees, bosses and coworkers, who are social personalities, are fun to work with. They are considerate and kind. They change and improve themselves.

For example, a telephone company gives people-skills training to its employees. Each employee can learn how to provide better service to customers. Social personalities enjoy the training and improve their work skills. Antisocial personalities complain about the training and, if forced to do the training, show no improvement.

If you supervise a social employee, correction is simple. “Sally, please don’t use your computer for personal shopping.” Sally says, “Okay” and stops shopping with her computer from then on.

Are You an Antisocial Person?

“Self-criticism is a luxury the antisocial cannot afford.” “Only the sane, well-balanced person tries to correct his conduct.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Do you criticize yourself and try to correct your behavior? If so, you are not antisocial.

For example, a father finds a broken vase and asks his 7-year-old son, “Who broke the vase? Did you break it?” His son says, “No, I didn’t!” The father gets angry and spanks him for breaking a vase and lying about it.

His wife comes into the room with a broom and says, “I need to clean up the vase I broke.”

The social person would say, “Son, I’m sorry for not believing you. I’ll be more trusting in the future. I owe you a big pizza and ice cream, okay?”

The antisocial personality would say, “The kid deserved the spanking for something else he probably did. You need to show these kids who the boss is.”

Just about anyone can be made to act like an antisocial if he or she is pushed hard enough by an antisocial. For example, antisocial parents teach their children to be antisocial. The key is whether or not the person easily changes to a social personality, once he or she realizes the truth.

If you want to improve your conduct, you will. You have a social personality!

Who is Stopping You? (Part Two)

Who is Stopping You? (Part Two)

A Los Angeles Police Department study determined only 2% of the population was dangerous and harmful to society. Years earlier, L. Ron Hubbard determined the percentage of antisocials to be 2.5% with another 17.5% of the population influenced so heavily by antisocials that they begin to act like antisocial personalities.

You could say 20% or less of the people you know are causing 80% or more of your troubles. One out of five people are not helping you succeed. These are the people who hope you will fail.

Once you discover which people in your life are antisocial, they have less influence over you. Because you know they want you to fail, you no longer listen to them. You also know who your friends are. Luckily, most people are on your side and hope you will succeed!

Part One covered the first characteristic of the antisocial personality: they speak in generalities. For example, “Everyone thinks you are too inexperienced,” “No one likes what you said” or “America is terrified.” Go to www.tipsforsuccess.org/antisocial1.htm to read “Who is Stopping You? (Part One). The second and third characteristics are covered below with more characteristics in the next two TipsForSuccess articles.

You can tell the difference between an antisocial and social person based on the topics of conversation they select.

Antisocial Characteristic #2

“2. Such a person deals mainly in bad news, critical or hostile remarks . . .”

“It is notable that there is no good news or complimentary remark passed on by such a person.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

The social person is the opposite.

“2. The social personality is eager to relay good news and reluctant to relay bad.

“He may not even bother to pass along criticism when it doesn’t matter.”

“He is more interested in making another feel liked or wanted than disliked by others and tends to err toward reassurance rather than toward criticism.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Examples:

Antisocial: “Did you hear about the guy who blew his brains out last week?”

Social: “Did you hear about the guy who won the lottery last week?”

Antisocial: “So that was your fancy chicken dish? My mother’s chicken is better.”

Social: “Great chicken. Thanks!”

Antisocial: “Everyone in the office thinks you work too hard which is why you look so tired.”

Social: “Paul wishes he could work as hard as you. I think you set an excellent example for all of us.”

Antisocial Characteristic #3

“3. The antisocial personality alters, to worsen, communication when he or she relays a message or news. Good news is stopped and only bad news, often embellished*, is passed along.

“Such a person also pretends to pass on ‘bad news’ which is in actual fact invented.” -- L. Ron Hubbard (*embellish: to add fictitious details to)

Just passing on bad news is not enough for antisocials. They prefer to make it sound worse. If the truth is not bad enough, they often make up some bad news for extra punch.

Neighborhood gossipers, politicians and news reporters use antisocial statements. “Marge seems to have a different man’s car in front of her house every night.” “Unlike my political opponent, I will not tolerate child pornography!” “Many questions exist about Pete’s sudden wealth.”

The social person has a different approach.

“3. A social personality passes communication without much alteration and if deleting anything, tends to delete injurious matters.

“He does not like to hurt people’s feelings.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Examples of social personality statements: “Marge is finally getting out and meeting some men. I couldn’t be happier for her.” “If I am elected, I will work hard to give our children a better education.” “I think Pete is finally getting ahead because of his wonderful new restaurant.”

Television news and newspapers often worsen the facts.

For example, a few years ago, CBS reported, “HUNDREDS FEARED DEAD IN FLOOD” when a storm flooded parts of California . . . two people died. In October 2001, CNN reported, “THE TALIBAN SENDS 300,000 TROOPS TO BORDERS” . . . fewer than 10,000 actually showed up.

An easy way to reduce your stress and feel happier is to stop reading newspapers and stop watching the news on television. Try it!

Good Messengers and Bad Messengers

Antisocial personalities are horrible messengers. Social personalities try to be accurate.

For example, the boss tells an antisocial messenger, "Andy, please tell Liza she’s doing a great job and can leave early.”

Andy says, "Liza, the boss wants you to go home right now. He seemed pretty unhappy.”

If Andy was a social person, he would say, “Liza, the boss says you’re doing a great job and you can leave early. Good for you!”

Antisocials not only hope people get upset and fail, they also enjoy war. For example, perhaps a few antisocials were hard at work in Washington, DC in 2003. “Everyone knows Iraq has tons of weapons of mass destruction. Iraq was probably part of the 9/11 attacks. Saddam Hussein spent millions to buy atomic bombs that can hit the USA!”

Social personalities pass on facts. “Here is an eyewitness report from 1991 that Iraq had 500 barrels of mustard gas. These two 1999 reports are from Iraqi officers who say they leaked false reports about atomic weapons in order to scare Iran. These photos from last week show a pile of missile shells.”

Marriage

Good marriages are supported by social persons. When a marriage goes bad, you can find one or more antisocials mixed in.

For example, Fred says, “Don’t tell your wife I said this, but she and Pierre have been getting awfully friendly.”

Fred then says to the wife, “Don’t tell your husband I said this, but his daily hugs with Cherry are getting pretty intimate.”

Even though there is nothing going on, the husband and wife suddenly suspect a problem and start fighting.

Antisocials also say things like, “Everyone fools around.” “I wish I was still single, don’t you?” “Most couples constantly argue.”

Social personalities paint a different picture. “Statistically, most married people are faithful.” “Married people are healthier and live longer.” “There’s nothing better than a good marriage!”

Of course, if you are married to an antisocial person, you might feel stressed by the steady stream of criticisms and bad news. You may even throw a few negative comments around yourself. Luckily, most people can become more social if they want to change.

Five Recommendations

1. Notice who around you likes to pass on bad news and criticisms. Observe who might be making bad news seem even worse.

If you know who is trying to stop you by stabbing you in the back with bad news, critical remarks and invented bad news, they will have less power over you.

2. Let these people know you do not want their negative comments. If they do not stop, reduce your contact with them.

3. Notice who likes to pass on good news and compliments. Observe who avoids negative topics and likes to talk about positive subjects.

If you know who is social and trying to make the world a better place to live, you will know who you can trust.

4. Let these people know you appreciate them and want to support them.

5. Work on becoming more social yourself. Do not pass on bad news, rumors or criticisms that no one needs to know. Try to compliment people and pass on good news.

If you live your life as a social person as much as possible, you and the people around you have a much better chance of succeeding.

Who is Stopping You? (Part One)

Who is Stopping You? (Part One)

The biggest barrier to a successful career is not a lack of opportunities, the job market or your city. It’s certain people.

Specifically, antisocial people—people who are devious, mean-spirited, cruel, hostile or negative. People who oppose you, treat you with disrespect and cause you trouble. They are trying to stop you.

“When we trace the cause of a failing business, we will inevitably discover somewhere in its ranks the antisocial personality hard at work.”

“It is important then to examine and list the attributes of the antisocial personality. Influencing as it does the daily lives of so many, it well behooves* decent people to become better informed on this subject.” -- L. Ron Hubbard (*behooves: to be necessary or proper for)

One of the most famous antisocial personalities was Adolf Hitler. Hitler loved children and pets. He was a vegetarian who neither smoked nor drank. He was kind and considerate to the ladies, secretaries and chauffeurs. Most people thought Hitler was a nice guy, but he organized the deaths of millions of people.

Antisocial personalities can be anyone: doctors, lawyers, politicians, business leaders, police officers, newspaper reporters, employees, men, women, old, young . . . anyone. They can be family members, spouses and colleagues. You probably know a few antisocial people.

When antisocial people are openly nasty or critical of you, you know who they are. They say, “You are an idiot” or “That idea of yours is the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” They stab you in your chest, not your back. You can deal with them directly.

The worst types of antisocial persons are those who hide their true intentions. They stab you in the back so you can’t catch them. They say, “Everyone thinks your ideas are silly” or “I heard a rumor the police might be investigating you” or “You look so tired; why don’t you take a vacation?”

Antisocials make you sick. For example, you are enjoying your day and getting a lot done. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, you feel a little upset. Your stomach and head hurt.

You review who just talked to you. Mary gave you a report and made a nice comment about the weather. Fred asked to borrow your pen and was very polite. The computer guy needed to look at my computer and said something about my computer infecting the whole network.

You think, “What was the computer guy talking about? Why did he waste so much of my time? And why are the computers always having problems? I’d better watch out for this guy.”

Suddenly, you feel better. You have spotted an antisocial person. Your day is pleasant again.

L. Ron Hubbard identified twelve characteristics of the antisocial person. The first way to spot them is to notice how they speak.

Generalities

“The antisocial personality has the following attributes:

“1. He or she speaks only in very broad generalities. They say . . .’ ‘Everybody thinks . . .’ ‘Everyone knows . . .’ and such expressions are in continual use, particularly when imparting rumor.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Have you ever been to a meeting when someone said, "We’re all having troubles because of the economy," “People don’t like anyone who’s too successful” or "Everyone in this area is having a rough time"? These are generalities.

Whenever you hear a statement that starts, "Everyone says . . . “ or “All the citizens feel . . . “ or "The employees think . . . ,” you must perk up your ears. You have just heard the beginning of a generality.

Now if the generality is a good message, you can relax. “Everyone thinks you are doing a great job!” “No one was late today.” “All the carpenters appreciate the wood you bought.”

However, if the message is negative, the speaker is pointing a knife at your back. “No one believes your little act.” “Everyone thinks the pay is too low.” “No one wears their hair like that any more.”

One reason the news media is such a poor influence on society is because of their generalities. Just listen to the news or read a newspaper and you see generalities. “America was shocked and saddened . . .” “Sources revealed that . . .” “Critics asked why the President said . . .”

The newspaper reporter would not be as upsetting if he or she was specific. “My daughter asked me why the President said . . .”

Because antisocial people want you and others to fail, they confuse and upset you with generalities.

How to Respond

“When asked, ‘Who is everybody . . .’ it normally turns out to be one source and from this source the antisocial person has manufactured what he or she pretends is the whole opinion of the whole society.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Example:

You: “Nancy, you say everyone thinks I make too much money. Who exactly?”

Nancy: "Oh, uh, well, you know, everyone I talk to. It’s common knowledge.”

You: "Can you tell me who exactly?”

Nancy: "I don’t know, I can’t remember. I’ll ask around.”

You: “I’m going to assume you made this all up. Don’t say things like that to me again.”

Social Personality

While the antisocials are tearing down the world, the world social personalities are improving it. Constructive people make life better for those around them. Fortunately, most people are social personalities.

Social personalities are opposite of the antisocial personality. For example, they are specific.

“The social personality is specific in relating circumstances. ‘Joe Jones said . . . ‘ ’The Star Newspaper reported . . . ‘ and gives sources of data where important or possible.

“He may use the generality of ‘they’ or ‘’people’ but seldom in connection with attributing statements or opinions of an alarming nature.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Examples of social personality statements: “Patty and Joan want raises.” “Everyone’s happy you’re back from vacation.” “Steve loved your speech.”

Even if the social personality is passing bad news, it is not upsetting. For example, “Kelly and Roger have decided to move to Los Angeles to help their son produce documentaries.”

The antisocial thinks bad news is an opportunity to upset you. “It seems like lots of people are leaving us . . . Kelly, Roger and others. Maybe they don’t like how you treat them.”